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The cabin

A place in the forest that is so enchanting, a place where there is no judgment on who you are, a place where anything can happen and it does. A place where there are no rules that apply on what you should be.
A clearing that would make anyone feel content with themselves. Where you could see the stars so clearly that you might think that you are imagining it.
It would be love and joy all around. The animals could roam freely and in peace.
Although bad things can happen the strength that the forest would give would ease the pain. The magic would do its best to keep it at bay.

Now, you might say that there is no such thing as magic, but I disagree. And if you would see it my way I think you might change your mind.
You see, I believe in the small things. Some people have what you would call talent, but I would say that there is a bit of magic in them. A childs first laugh or how someone can make the perfect meal without even trying. The smell after it has just rained. The way a mothers embrace can make you feel completely safe, or how a smell out of nowhere takes you back to the best memories you have. How the sun can make the water glistening and how when you are in nature you can feel everything so much more intense. That is magic.

It gives me peace to think about this dream place of mine, that I someday hope will be true, if I work hard enough for it. I don’t know where this place is, but I know that I will find it and I will build it, so that at least one of my dreams can come true.

 

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Want

I want to live a life worth something.
I want to dance in the rain, and not care if I get a cold.
I want to drive through long country roads, not knowing where I am going.
I want to get lost and then find my way.
I want to sleep under the stars with not a care in the world.
I want to make mistakes, I want to forget and forgive.
I want to live with no regrets that I missed out on something I wanted.
I want to scream in the middle of the forest where no one can hear me.
I want to risk stuff and be rewarded.
I want to follow the sun, or maybe the moon.
I want to go where the road takes me.

I want to be free.

I guess what I’m saying is that I want a second chance. I want a chance to be fully me, where nobody can judge me for what I used to be.

I want to soar, I want to rise, I need to free myself from me and that is good.

I want memories, I want something to remember.

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Write

I am a reader, I read a lot and when I was younger I wanted to be a writer, I guess I still do.
I love writing even if it’s just for me, I love how you can make somebody feel the way you want them to through words.
And if you do I right they can see what you see, smell what you smell and feel what you feel.

I guess I already am a writer because I write and how I feel about it in my heart.
I want to write beautiful things, I want to make people feel something, I want to share with the world my view of things.

I feel content when I write, it makes me feel something I can only feel when I write.
Maybe one day I will find a way to feel like this all the time, one day.

Stories makes me feel alive. They always have, no matter how small they all mean something special to me.

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Sorrow

A lot has happened, a lot has changed but a lot is still the same.

I lost someone. And it hurt, so much. But it made me free.

I had a week of sadness, of pain and sorrow but I had a week where I was completely free and just me. I had a week when the pain was too much and a week of strength. I was strong and I was hurting, it feelt like dying but it was so liberating.

It was my cat, my best friend of seventeen years, I lost her and she made me feel, she made me want this, want everything.
It has almost been a year without her, and I’m sad and I’m happy, I’m fighting, I ‘m stronger than ever before. 

Her death was painful and it still is but it made me feel again and it made me enjoy every second of everyday.

Missing her is what I have, and it is the only thing I know how to do because I can’t remember a life without her, she made me peaceful.

Did saying goodbye to her mean letting go? And did letting go mean forever? Because that is not something I am capable to do.

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Taking charge of my life

I have decided to take charge of my life and I will try my best to not succumb to the fear or the illness. I will still have my limits but I am trying to push them every day. I am sick and tired of feeling this way and it needs to stop, and maybe this time my willpower will be strong enough to fight this for real.

I will never grow if I am going to stay where I am, and I have big dreams that I would like to do my best to fulfil.

Hey, reach for the stars, right? I want to soar amongst them, for me.

I don’t want to let petty thing stop me from doing anything anymore, it still will though, but it will happen less frequent. I will force myself into unpleasant situations and hope that by doing so it will get easier and easier for each time.

About my dreams, I will tell you all about them another time.

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Deny

For three years now I have been refusing myself from the things I want. I have forced myself to isolation, said no to things that I knew would bring me joy.
I have missed out on so much these past years, how could I let it happen?
How could I make me feel so much regret? Why would I do that to me? And why do I still do it?
Why do I deny myself of the happy moments that I have missed, how could I refuse myself of them?
I am so tired of missing out, I am so tired of not living.
It’s time to stop sacrificing my happiness for imaginary safety.
I can never be sure when I lose control. It can happen anywhere, anytime and with anybody. I am never safe, and I won’t be safer for skipping out of things.
I am going to start to say yes, at least a bit more to start off with. I am going to try my best to not keep the happiness from me, because I deserve it, and so do you

Now who thought that I was crying while writing this? Well I did, crying is kind of my thing, especially when I have to think about things like this, but that’s okay.

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Fear

Let us talk about fear, my fear.
I am terrified all the time, the fear is always there, always present.
I might smile and I might say that I feel safe, but remember, the fear is there. It is a part of me, just like my organs.
And just like I said it will always be present even if you can’t see it and I won’t tell you about it.
I am frightened of everything I do.

And guess what, it is exhausting and even in my dreams it is still there. So I am living in fright awake and asleep, my dreams are so vivid that I don’t always know if I was dreaming when I wake up, it confuses me.

I wish I could cut it out, do an operation and it would be gone. That would be amazing.
Maybe for just a day or two? Maybe someday

The fear is mostly of myself I fear that my body and mind will betray me again, as it has for a long while now. And every time that happens it feel like I am dying, like I am fading away, like I will never come back.
Maybe now the fear is a bit more understanding, and if not, well I never forced you to understand anything, I know I don’t.

The fear is part of me and it will take a long time to make it vanish.

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Sunset

Right now I am looking at one of the most beautiful sunsets I have seen in a long while, everything is orange and pink.
It is slowly going down behind the buildings and soon it will be gone and the night will come and instead of light there will be darkness, but not if the moon shines then it will be magic. I have always loved the night and being outside in moonlight, it makes everything feel like a fairy tale. A fantasy world, where anything can happen.
The sun is almost gone now fading slowly, it is amazing how a simple thing like a sunset or moonlight can be so wonderful and utterly beautiful.
I remember when I was younger and we lived in a house, I loved going out in the winter when it was a full moon and just look how the moonlight reflected on the snow, it was so peace full being out all alone and watching the magic happening.

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Afraid

Today is going to be a challenge. I am going to go out and be social with people, and it is so hard.
Because most of them don’t know about me, and I am afraid of them knowing. I am afraid of anyone knowing, but I am going to try to face my fears. That’s what I need to do to be able to feel safe. I need to open up a bit more.
I am doing that by just typing this, because anyone who want can read this.
It has been a long time since I went out to a social event, a really long time, but today I am going to do my best because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. So today I am moving out of my comfort zone and trying.
Hello, my name is Vanessa and I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks.
And today I will start another chapter in my recovery, because from today and onward I will try my best to explain when people wonder. I will not force anyone to listen or to care, but I will try to open up about me.
Every new person I meet, don’t know who I am and I don’t know who they will get to know and that scares me quite a lot.
A few years ago, or maybe more than just a few, I knew who I was and what I wanted. But everything has changed since then and I have no clue at all.
So feel free to judge and pull away, because I am not going to try to be who I was, I need to start being who I am now.

So hello again, I suffer, but I won’t always. At least not as much as I have and as I am right now.
I am happy to start today, to stop being so afraid of everything.

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Sunny days

This morning was everything, and I knew that it would be a lovely day.
A perfect day, crisp and sunny, all I could want for a Monday. The blue sky gives me inspiration and an amazing feeling, it makes me want to dance and sing, it makes me happy.
With all the right music on and a big smile on my face.
But it also makes me want to crawl up in my corner and just write, or maybe bake.
It makes me want to do everything, it strengthens me and enchants me.
What I would do to feel this all the time.
I am having a hard time to wipe the smile of my face, but why should I? When all I want is to feel this way.
So I am going to try my best to make this day awesome.